Faith is one of those things that gets thrown around a lot in the Body of Believers. It's on bumper stickers, t-shirts, and cliche coffee mugs. People tattoo the word on their bodies. "Faith and Love" is pretty much the slogan of every church mom you know.
But Faith is much more than a slogan. And it's something not many of us probably have ever experienced in our adult lives.
How can you define Faith? Can Faith and Fear coexist? How do we know we have Faith, or if we're just pretending?
Faith noun Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.
Fear noun An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
Most of my life, I've been a fearful person. Fearful, in the fullest sense of the word; I had an aversion to all things uncomfortable, and would go to any length to avoid conflict, embarrassment, and anxiety. My mom used to tell me to stop worrying so much or my hair would turn gray early. Fear, anxiety, and distrust permeated so much of my day to day life that at times it was crippling. I constantly would bite my tongue, even in situations where I could have shared the truth, because I was fearful of backlash. Sometimes, I would even say or do things I knew I didn't believe in, because I had a fear of what others would think of me.
Even as recently as not sharing the Bible Study in my last post, I felt intense Fear over what others would think. Why? Because I sometimes have no Faith.
Faith is something that is meaningless when it's untested. To say "I have Faith" means nothing until there's an action to prove it. Many Christians in America lay claim to Faith, but have never been in a situation where they've had to defend the Gospel, or really even share it in any meaningful way that could cost them something. If you grew up in church, homeschooled, or in a private Christian school, surrounded by friends and family who believed as you did, then you know exactly what I mean. There was never, or hardly ever, a point where someone ridiculed you, threatened you, or even scoffed lightly at you for you belief in Messiah, so you never had to test your Faith.
Until maybe suddenly you did, and you might have stood your ground, or you might have found yourself buckling under the pressure of scrutiny.
The interesting thing about Faith is that the only way to test it is to be put in the line of fire. A conviction is just an idea until you test it out. This is a lesson I've been learning a lot of in recent years, but suddenly, in the past several months, I've had to put my Faith into practice and let it mature.
Birth
In June of 2022, I was preparing to give birth to my third son. My first two births were medicalized, painful, and to put it lightly, traumatic. It was hard for me to handle the Fear of going to the hospital again to give birth, after my first two births included gobs of medication, pain, and the antiseptic smell of dread permeating everything I did. So as the days counted down to the birth of my third, I spent a great deal of time in prayer, and speaking to my sisters in Messiah about how I felt. My whole pregnancy I battled with Fear, and frequently would beg my husband to help me deal with the birthing situation I was dreading so much.
Shortly before labor began, my friend sent me the birth affirmations she was planning to use (I had a lovely sisterhood of friends who were all pregnant with me!). My favorite one was simply breathing in your mercy, breathing out your praise.
At the same time, my mother was facing a hysterectomy. I was worried for her, she was worried, and we both spent the end of my pregnancy in prayer for one another. She pushed off her surgery several weeks so she would be able to help me when the time came, and keep my older kids. We spent a lot of time discussing our convictions, and realizing many of them were being put to the test.
For her, she had decided to refuse a blood transfusion during surgery. Already, just less than a year prior, she had another medical scare that caused her to face her own death in the sobering light of a possible reality, and she knew that refusing donor blood might mean facing it again. But she strongly believes the Bible prohibits blood transfusion, because blood is unclean, and so she signed the papers.
Her act of faith was a catalyst for me. I wasn't facing possible death, although the possibility of death always looms, but I was facing a fearful situation. She was so staunchly standing in her Faith, even knowing the risks, and so I prayed and asked for peace. It had to be more than simply praying that God do all the work with peace, so I worked hard to stand firm in what I knew my body was built to do, and leave Fear behind.
That was the best birth I've had so far. Every contraction led me to pray, and with my slow, purposeful breaths, I breathed in breathing in your mercy and breathed out breathing out your praise. Over and over. For hours. I labored alone in my living room, just me and the Almighty and my baby. I had been afraid that nothing I'd read would help, but I stopped fighting contractions, I had practiced relaxing my body through fear and pain for 9 months, and anytime fear would creep up, I would pray and trust my Father. I can't say it was 'painless', but I can say most of that labor was downright enjoyable and a turning point for me. I got to the hospital, that I had dreaded so bad, and instead of being fearful, I smiled, I breathed, and I left my Fear at the altar. My delivery was so beautiful, all the fears I'd had vanished, and afterwards, at my 6 week appointment, my midwife even complimented how calm I had been the whole time. A far cry from the fearful woman I'd been just months prior. It wasn't until the final 3 contractions where I had that 'I can't do this' moment, and even in the midst of that, my husband reminded me every time that the fear and pain means that I was so close to done (and he was right!)
Not every birth will be so smooth. Not every contraction will be so manageable. But I am here to say it wasn't through my power that I had this amazing birth. Yahweh used the Faith in my mother to remind me that I cannot Fear and have Faith that He will bring me through anything at the same time.
(If you're curious, my mom ended up not needing a blood transfusion, and even as she was going into surgery, stood firm in her convictions, even knowing she might never wake up again. Her surgery went well, and she's recovered and doing amazing now.)
Baby
After my baby was born, all went smoothly for a time. He was growing well, healthy as could be, and charming everyone with his chubby cheeks and neck rolls. Then one day, as we were nursing, I saw something on his eye.
At first I thought it was a bubble, but it didn't go away. My sweet little baby boy had some sort of cyst on his eye. And it was growing.
We went to the pediatrician who had been cooing over his perfect little self just a few weeks prior. She had no idea what she was looking at because it was so rare. Because it was slowly getting larger, she became alarmed and sent us to an eye doctor. The eye doctor we saw was mildly alarmed as well, and called it a dermoid cyst (don't look up dermoid cysts on eyeballs if you want to sleep tonight). But they couldn't do anything because he wouldn't open his eye easily for them. So they referred us to a pediatric eye doctor several hours away, and assured us that they would very likely want to put him under general anesthesia in order to get a good look, and deal with the issue.
He would only be 7 months old when we got the appointment. Everything in me screamed against the idea of putting a baby under general anesthesia. The dangers are insurmountable, but at the same time, I was so worried about his eye. What if the growth was cancerous? What if it affected his vision? What if the sleeping issues we'd had came from constant irritation? What would his future look like if it kept growing and one day crowded out his vision, or put pressure on his eyeball and had headaches, or.... if you're a mother, I'm sure you can imagine the endless cavern of fear I was hurtling down.
I booked the appointment. It was several month away. And I hit my knees in prayer. Every night, I prayed for his eye. Every time I got together with my mom, we prayed together. Every time I woke up in the middle of the night, I prayed.
And as I began to pray constantly, my Fear began to lift. There's been so many things since his birth that has required me to let go of my Fear and cling instead to Faith. Faith that Yahweh would bring him safely into this world. Faith that I would even get pregnant in the first place. Faith that we would find doctors willing to work with us after we declined vaccines at birth. And now, I was being asked to have Faith that God would bring us safely through this fearful situation.
I stopped obsessively checking the cyst after the first couple of weeks, and continued to pray. I prayed for healing, that I wouldn't have to take my baby into a sterile environment to be poked and prodded by yet more doctors, who might still have no answers for us. And I prayed that no matter what the outcome, that God's will be done, and that he would protect my baby.
I had many friends tell me to try breastmilk in his eye. I had other friends tell me about herbs I could try. I was so tempted. I just wanted him to be okay, without the terrible surgery looming ahead of us. But then, if the cyst went away, someone could point to it and say "See! We should have Faith in breastmilk and herbs!" God uses these things, but anytime I considered it, I would hear a little voice softly tell me no, leave it alone. And so I did.
The story of baby Moses came into mind quite often. His mother had an immense amount of Faith when she laid her tiny baby in a basket in the reeds, and sent him down the Nile river. She had no idea who her son was destined to be. She had no idea that God's plan for that baby was bigger than she could ever imagine. All she knew was that her only chance of saving his life was putting him in that basket, and sending him off down the river. And even once he was safely brought from the river, past the jaws of wild animals, past the fishermen, the Egyptian soldiers, the danger of his basket being tipped and him drowning, even then he was drawn out of the water by a pagan woman, the Queen of Egypt, and he was slated to be raised under the watchful eye of the gods, goddesses, and pagan practices of the Egyptians who worshiped the whole host of heaven.
In spite of all that Jochebed, the mother of Moses, placed her baby in the river in Faith that her God would protect him.
And so I followed her example and prayed for his safety. In spite of my prayers, months passed, and the cyst grew. Every time I checked, I prayed. But it grew. And somehow, I wasn't worried. I had Faith, the size of a mustard seed, but it was Faith.
Then, the morning after Thanksgiving, the morning after I sat and talked with my mother in law about how we were planning to drive hours away to take him to a doctor, but how much I was praying in the mean time, I sat and nursed him in the rocking chair. The conversation came into my mind, and I gently pulled down his lower eyelid to check on it, as I had done just the morning before. And the cyst was gone. I checked, and double checked, and cried as I told my older boys who had been praying alongside me the entire time. I told my husband and called both grandmas and cried as I prayed in thanksgiving. My Faith had erased my Fear even before the cyst ever left his eye, and Yahweh, our good and faithful Father removed the cyst without human hands. I did nothing, I only laid my baby at my Father's feet and prayed for his healing.
Faith over Fear
Fear permeates our lives. Fear of who will be president next. Fear of the dreaded coronavirus. Fear of the ever expanding shortages. If you're like me and tend to research, the pool of fear gets deeper and wider all the time. With knowledge often comes either power, or Fear.
I spoke with my mother in law on Thanksgiving, and we both shared how we are tired of the Fear. Tired of the anxiety, and the lack of Faith, wondering when the world will implode on itself. In many groups of Christians, there's a steady stream of people sharing their fears about tomorrow, about the next election cycle, about the schools and the television programs and the video games and the drag queens and the gay agendas and so many things. It turns into a frenzy of voices, all screaming at us, saying that we aren't living in enough Fear. It's enough to make your heart stop.
But what does the Bible say to us about Fear?
Aren't sparrows sold for next to nothing, two for an assarion? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground without your Father's consent. As for you, every hair on your head has been counted. So do not be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows.- Matthew 10:29-31
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid (fearful), but gives us power, love, and self-control.-2 Timothy 1:7
Don't be afraid, for I am with you; don't be distressed, for I am your God. I give you strength, I give you help, and I support you with my victorious right hand.- Isaiah 41:10
Faith is the opposite of Fear. The two cannot live together. Man can't serve two masters, so maybe it's time we choose this day whom we will serve. If we truly worship the God of the Bible, the God who brought Israel out of Egypt with fire and death to their enemies, the God who stopped the sun in the sky because Joshua, his servant asked him to, the God who raises men from the dead, breaths life into a dead womb, and heals babies just because a mother asked, then why should we fear? What can the world throw at us that isn't already known by our Father? Is it even possible to trust God if we are filled with Fear?
Does that mean all will always be hunky-dory? Hardly! Ask Corrie TenBoom or George Muller. Ask the Pilgrims or Gladys Aylward. Ask any mother in labor. Sometimes Faith is terrifying. Even Yeshua (Jesus) came on bended knees in tears before Yahweh because his heart was quivering with what was to come in the Garden of Gethsemane. Fear is natural. But Faith is stronger when we trust and know our God will never abandon us.
I am sharing this in Faith. I share the words I write because I ask the Holy Spirit to guide me, and He almost always guides me here. To share what I'm learning in case someone else might need to learn it too. I have a passion for writing, and a hard-to-overcome Fear of sharing what I write. It's a vulnerable thing for me to do, and vulnerability is scary! I open myself up to criticism, to having to defend why I have Faith, to having to answer questions that make me angry, make me nervous, make me loose friends. I know I've lost friends since I turned over the reigns to Yeshua in my life. I have had conversations where I've been accused of being in a cult, or loosing my way. I've had long time friends drop off the face of the earth, or hold me at arm's length since I started being honest. But my Faith is in my Father. And I have been given the honor of meeting new friends, of being sharpened by other Believers, and hopefully, of being able to help others who feel like I have.
All praise be to Yahweh, who has given us the gift go Yeshua our Messiah, and of the Holy Spirit to lead us while we await his glorious return. I pray you, dear reader, find the courage to step out in Faith, and let go of Fear so that Yahweh can lead you to still waters, and make you into the warrior of Faith He wants you to be.
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