Two things that often do not mix; sleep and children. Neither mom, dad, nor babies sleep for more than elusive minutes or hours for the first months of a child's life. It's one of the hardest things that new parents often deal with. Sleep deprivation causes irritability, memory issues, weight gain, depression, and a whole host of other issues. We are constantly warned and bombarded with the "get enough sleep!" mantra, and then we go and procreate and our sleep goes out the window.
I've spent countless hours (mostly while holding a wide awake, screaming baby) searching the internet for magical sleep solutions. I've bought weighted swaddles, sleep sacks, and tried every swaddle tie under the sun. I've read article after article telling me that if I will just try this, I'll see immediate results! I've tried cry-it-out, I've tried soothers, I've tried essential oils, and sound machines.
Some of them seem to work for one or two naps, some of them work only for a few days, and many don't work at all. I've been through the sleep deprived months of early life with two children now, and I'm still knee deep in it with the second.
First of all, let me tell you; it does get easier. It's a struggle while you're in it, but those hard infant days will one day be a memory (or a nightmare, I know some babies really really don't sleep well).
With my first child, I tried to put him in a crib from the beginning. But sitting up, by yourself, in the middle of the night while nursing a baby in the sparse light of a nightlight is depressing at best. I went against the advice of pediatricians everywhere, and would bring him into my bed at night. At first, it was supposed to be just to nurse, but as all new parent's know, once you're laying down and the baby is quiet, you're going to fall asleep.
And so a habit was begun. He slept in my bed, he slept in my arms, he slept on my chest. He slept everywhere but the neglected crib. It was hot and sweaty in the summer months, and I wasn't able to get anything done, which would have been a problem except we lived with my parents and my mother cooked a lot of the meals. I cleaned while he was awake in short bursts, but we only had 3 rooms and a bathroom in the upstairs apartment of my parent's home, so cleaning wasn't hard anyway.
When he was around 8 months old, I was so exhausted, and felt so guilty. Everything I read told me that co-sleeping was dangerous. I was told to put him down, let him fuss, he would have to learn to sleep on his own eventually, and I was making a habit that would never break.
Training And Sleep
I was young, and a first time mama, and I thought they were right. All the people telling me my son would be in my bed until college had to be right. I had to train him to sleep without me.
And so it began. For months, we tried to sleep train. I had to do cry it out, because nothing else seemed to work, and really cry it out never worked either. I was tired, stressed, and crying every day as my baby sobbed and called for me.
It didn't work. Not until I stopped nursing him, gave him formula, and put him into bed with a bottle. And it still didn't truly work because he was still getting comfort from somewhere, it just wasn't from me.
By the time he was 10 months old, he was sleeping in his crib for naps. And quite often, he was sleeping there at the start of the night. But I was still getting up with him, making him a bottle, standing in his room and shushing him to sleep while he guzzled formula and I dozed off in the chair next to his crib. I was still a nervous wreck, and still wasn't sleeping, because I had traded sharing my bed for sitting next to his. I was straining to hear him over the baby monitor even when I was in my own bed. I was getting up with him, mixing bottles, and waiting until he fell asleep to remove it from his mouth.
But I had done it, hadn't I? I had trained him to sleep. I had trained him to comfort himself. Right?
By the time we moved into our own house, he was over a year old, and sleeping with a bottle in his mouth. He slept most nights, and woke me up on others, but he didn't sleep in our bed anymore, and didn't even consider it an option.
Years went by. We switched from a bottle of formula to sippy cup full of milk, then to a sippy full of water, and eventually we reached potty training age and had to break him of drinking in his bed because it was obviously making him have to pee at night.
Those magical 3 days to train him to sleep on his own that I was promised turned into years of every few months having to take some unhealthy coping habit away from him. But I had sleep trained my baby. Right?
Another Way
Bed time was such a struggle for such a long time. And not only nights, but naps too. Every time sleep came around, he fought me. Why? Because he had learned that sleep means mama is leaving, and he's on his own. And he wasn't ready to be on his own.
When I got pregnant with my youngest, I was still dealing with frequent bed-time woes with my oldest, and I knew I had to find another way of coping with no sleep. Did I have to be awake all night and all day? I knew that with this baby, I couldn't just nap when he was napping; what would my oldest child do while I was sleeping? So I needed to have longer, deeper nighttime sleep so I could get through the day.
By this time, I was already knee deep in Gentle Parenting philosophy. And while not everything in Gentle Parenting worked for us, one thing that stuck out to me was the beautifully open and relaxed approach to sleep.
The pressure was gone to get baby sleeping on their own so early. Nobody was telling me that they were able to get baby sleeping through the night by 4 months. I never heard people degrading my exhaustion with snide remarks about laying the baby down so I can rest.
Instead, I was given information about baby-wearing, and the safe ways to co-sleep. Other mother's breastfed their babies and knew that sharing a bed made sleep and feeding easier. They knew that mamas need their hands free often, especially when there's multiple children in the home, and could direct me to comfortable and safe baby slings, wraps, and carriers that my baby could sleep in while very small so I could get on with my work. They knew, through experience and research, that babies need their mothers to help them coregulate during those tender first months, and even years, because they literally can't function without you. They just spent nine months with their heart beating alongside yours, why would we rip that comfort away from them as soon as they're earth-side?
I started to realize that my instincts had never been wrong when I wanted to keep my baby close while sleeping. Everyone talks about maternal instincts, but the second you become pregnant, a million and a half people start telling you to follow someone else's ideas instead of what you know to be true. And that leads me to an even greater truth than just knowing that co-sleeping and baby-wearing was right for my children.
Mother Knows Best
This isn't just another preachy post telling you how you must put your children to sleep. I do not know your family situation, and each child is different. I know that for breastfeeding mothers, co-sleeping is easier, but for formula parents, it's safer to have your baby on a separate surface to reduce the risk of SIDs. I know that baby-wearing for me made sense because I needed hands free, and my daily work was safe to do with my baby tied to the front (or back) of me, but for people doing dangerous work, or people with a disability or chronic pain or fatigue, baby-wearing might not even be an option. And naturally, each child and season of life has a need all their own. My youngest son sometimes gets to sleep best on my lap or in my arms, and at other times he's overstimulated and needs to be laid in the quiet crib to get to sleep.
And I know that about him, because I know him.
The most important thing to remember about children and the elusive sleep us parents are chasing so hard is this; sleep will happen. And eventually, it will happen easier. But it won't happen without stress and anxiety when you're trying to fit yourself or your child into a form that wasn't built for you.
Different experts have a lot of different opinions on what's best for a child. Just sleep alone will bring you a thousand different opinions on what's safe, what's beneficial, and what's best. But ultimately, it comes down to you and your child. What do you need?
Safety is a top concern for every parent. It's why mothers and fathers spend countless hours bouncing their baby back to sleep so they can lay them in a crib. Because we are told by doctors, nurses, and a lot of the internet that sleep is safest when separate. And those doctors, nurses, and internet experts are sharing the worst case scenario because they've seen it, and want as many children to survive their childhood as possible, which is understandable!
But know, those are worst case scenarios. There are outlying factors that can and do make co-sleeping and even baby-wearing less safe, or even dangerous, but you already know your child, and you know if they have any risk factors. You can weigh the pros and cons, and decide, without any outside influence, what you should be doing.
So don't let the nay-sayers and other parents make you afraid and anxious. You have those instincts for a reason. Use them.
Co-Sleeping and Baby-Wearing
As with anything, please make sure you do some research before committing yourself to something. This is a starting point, but you should definitely make sure you are aware of the safest way to co-sleep or baby-wear before you get started. While they can be highly beneficial, nothing is without risk.
Some general things to keep in mind for Co-sleeping if you're planning on bedsharing is never ever go to bed impaired, that means drunk, high, or on any prescription or over the counter medication that makes you drowsy or less aware of your surroundings. Smoking makes co-sleeping fairly dangerous, even if you don't smoke in your bedroom (secondhand smoke stays in your hair, on your skin, and in your clothes, and are a huge risk factor in SIDs). Make sure you discuss Co-Sleeping with anyone else you share a bed with, and make sure you're both taking full responsibility for the child in the bed with you. Breastfeeding mothers tend to naturally sleep in a defensive position with legs drawn up under baby to prevent them from sliding under the covers, but fathers or other partners should be aware of baby's position in the bed as well. Water mattresses, pillow tops, and other very soft beds are unsafe, as they're easier for a child to smother in. And never get the room too hot. That's just not helpful for sleep for anyone honestly. There's other safety tips and precautions here, if you're very worried and need to follow strict instructions. Remember, a newborn is going to need you to be a lot more aware than a 10 month old or a toddler in the bed, and a mobile baby is more likely to take a tumble off the side, so prepare your space accordingly. But also, remember that for most of human history, people have shared beds with their babies and everyone has been okay. Be cautious, but don't overthink it too much, or you still won't be getting any sleep.
Some general things to keep in mind for Baby-wearing if you want to go that route is pay attention to your baby. It seems obvious, but there's different rules for different ages and styles of carrier. For newborns, they should never be worn on your back, and you should always have their face close enough to you for you to kiss. Obviously, don't cover their nose or mouth. And make sure their little legs are making an M shape rather than dangling to reduce the risk of hip dysplasia. I suggest using a wrap for a newborn under 3 months old, like the Boba wrap, or the classic Moby wrap. As a baby gets older, and can sit unassisted, around 6 months, you can start wearing them in a back-hold with certain wraps, but not in a stretchy wrap (I also don't recommend letting baby take naps on your back, if possible, take them out drowsy and either move them to a front carry, or put them down somewhere to sleep). I originally used the Infantino carrier, which is really convenient to strap on and go, but admittedly not great on your shoulders. To date, my favorite carrier is a homemade Mei Tai wrap, following the instructions from Farmhouse On Boone, which can be used to carry baby front or back, and doesn't tire out my back or shoulders. But as with Co-Sleeping, make sure to do your research, and practice tying or putting on your baby carrier before you actually put baby in. Tying too loose is a common issue, and it can cause baby to sag and get smothered. If you're very worried, or confused, about tying a wrap, there's a lot of good snap-and-go carriers as well, and a lot of good tutorials for learning how to use a wrap (again, though, I do recommend a wrap for newborns because they're softer and safer on their legs).
No matter what you choose to do in your family, remember that you know your family better than anyone else. Follow your instincts, and if something feels wrong, absolutely don't do it. Sleep will come, be it now or later, and they won't stay up all night forever. Sleep is such an important part of our lives, and children have a way of disrupting even the most basic necessities, but for most babies, aside from medical issues, sleep starts happening in longer and deeper spurts within only a few months. It won't always be easy or perfect, and each time a baby goes through a Leap or a Sleep Regression, it might be tough for a little while, but it won't last forever, even if it may feel like it at the time. (For information on baby leaps, check out the Wonder Weeks app, it's been amazing for helping us to understand and prepare for grumpiness, sleep regressions, and understanding the things our baby is learning.)
Like I said, this isn't a magical sleeping solution. Even when wearing your baby or sharing a bed, there are hard nights that nobody gets any sleep. But that's just part of parent-hood. Find what works best for today, and do it. And when that doesn't work anymore, find something else that works. Swings, slings, beds or cribs, your baby will sleep, and one day, before you know it, they'll be sleeping through the night, all on their own. And then you might even miss them a little. But more likely you'll just be dreaming about them.
*Pictures from Wix.com
留言