Just in the title alone, you can probably tell this will be a weighty, and lengthy, topic, so be forewarned.
What is a Generational Curse? It's probably not what you're thinking; no, this isn't about witches, hexes, or voodoo or anything like that. This is about a specific verse in scripture.
"-You shall not bow down to them, nor serve them. For I, Adonai your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sins of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but displaying grace to the thousandth generation of those who love me and obey my commands." -Exodus 20:5-6
Let's back up for some context really quick. If you're familiar with the 10 Commandments, then this probably is a very familiar verse for you. It's part of the command telling the Children of Israel not to make any graven images (which is taken out in certain Bibles, but that's a topic for another day).
The reason I emphasized certain parts of this verse is to draw attention to what is being said. Children being punished for the sins of their fathers, or being blessed by their obedience. Seems a little unfair, doesn't it?
It especially seems strange given that later on Jesus rebukes this exact way of thinking. In John chapter 9, Jesus and his disciples come across a blind man, and his disciples ask him who's fault it was that he was born blind, him, or his parents? Having been raised in Torah, and knowing the commands backwards and forwards as many Jews did in their era, they would very much have assumed that it was due to this Generational Curse, where the parents had disobeyed God, and therefore the children were punished, because that is what was taught.
But Jesus tells them that nobody is at fault, the man was simply born blind to show God's power, and then he heals the man.
So when I am talking about Generational Curses, I am not talking about children born with a disability being the fault of the parents or grandparents. I am not talking about a 'bad luck' type of curse like in the story Holes. I am talking about the very real and very tangible Generational Trauma or Curse that deeply effects generation after generation.
Are Curses Real?
The next big question here is this; are curses even real? To which I must say that yes, I believe they are. But no, I don't believe we need to be walking around carrying a cross or a bulb of garlic to protect us from evil.
Witches, demons, and magik are all very real. I do not fully understand them, because I have kept myself away from such darkness as much as I can, but I have seen things with my own eyes that can only be explained by the powers and principalities that scripture says we fight against
"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."- Ephesians 6:12
I am not going to deep dive into the topic today, because magik isn't what I am talking about either, but if you're curious, there are many instances in scripture that refer to magik, witchcraft, and demons you can study. I don't recommend looking beyond scripture however, because it's a subject that can quickly lead you astray, or open your life to things you don't want. If this topic is off-putting for the more strictly science minded individual, don't worry, I won't be covering this now. But if you are curious, you can search @followthenarrowway on Instagram. She is a former occultist and witch who is a born again believer and has a lot on the topic.
What I am referring to in this post is Generational Trauma, or a Generational Curse. Let me explain.
Trauma and Curses
Has anyone ever told you that you look like one of your parents? Or that you act like them? Sometimes we can laugh and agree, but for some people, that's the highest form of insult you could possible give them. That is because, like all things, parenthood can be either a beautiful and loving thing, or a dark and hurtful thing. Some parents are simply selfish, some are ill-equipped, and some struggle to parent because they were never parented either. That's not to say that there's perfect parents out there; absolutely everyone makes mistakes, and parents are definitely no exception to that.
But sometimes, childhood is a nightmare. I'm sure we all have heard horror stories of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, and perhaps even lived it. We see it pop up in the news more often than we'd like, even coming from fundamentalist 'Christian' households, like the Duggers, or in the LDS Church.
It's fairly obvious to see the emotional and sometimes physical scars that children from highly abusive households have. Society as a whole can agree we should be gentler on a child who's parent hurt them, although sadly that kindness is often not extended to the adult survivors. And we know that children who are raised in abuse often go on to have areas in their life that they struggle with more than someone who was not abused, or sadly, go on to perpetuate that cycle. What we often overlook altogether is a more subtle trauma.
When I was a child, I very often heard mothers lamenting how their children 'ruined' their bodies, their lack of personal time because of their children, how hard their days or nights were because of their children, or even the 'oh if I wasn't married, I'd totally go hook up with that guy'. I've been guilty of offhanded jokes at the expense of my children myself.
It was often past off as a joke, but the children hearing it only hear things like 'mom is resentful of me' or 'I ruined something that she valued'.
Perhaps the mothers are joking, perhaps they're using this 'humor' as a way to cope with their own trauma or insecurities, but children can internalize things that adult's barely think of. Now, we see a great many women who are very pro-abortion, and is it any wonder? When they were growing up, constantly hearing about how miserable their parents were because of them, why would they want that? Why would they want to put that on a child?
It's been happening for generations. What started in the days of our mothers or grandmothers as being subtly told that they're worth more than just 'popping out babies' (a horrible term for having the blessing of children) became a generation who despises children. When society began telling women that they're worth more with a paycheck, the next step is seeing their children as a roadblock to success, and ultimately to refusing to have children.
Does it seem like a reach? Let me tell you about the Generational Curse in my own family.
A Personal Experience
I was lucky enough to be able to meet 3 out of 4 of my great-grandmothers. My Maternal Great-Grandmother, my mom's mother's mom, lived on a 40 acre farm off the mountain from us. It's the same farm she raised her 7 children on.
She was a traditional woman, from an outside perspective. I remember standing in her well-stocked pantry and admiring all the cans of food that she put up. They had cows and horses and chickens when my Grandma was a little girl, and my Great-Grandma taught them how to run the farm, cook, play piano, crochet; all the domestic arts that are nearly gone today.
But underneath that traditional exterior, my Great-Grandmother was planting a seed of bitterness, perhaps inadvertently. She encouraged her daughters to go to college and get jobs so they wouldn't be caught in the life she was living. She went to work in the same factory as her husband so she could have income on the side, and encouraged all her girls to make sure they had enough money for themselves so they never had to depend on a man. She didn't outright say she was unhappy being married or having children, but her actions and her subtle teachings certainly showed it.
That probably doesn't seem like a bad lesson to teach your girls, does it? Make sure you're secure. That's what it says. But it also says 'I don't trust your father, you can't trust him either.' To a child, that message is going to create not only a distrust of dear-old-dad, but of any man who might play a protective roll in their life.
My Grandmother was a wild child of the 60s. Even as a little girl, she bucked against her mother's traditional teachings. She wanted to be wild and free, and in the process, made her family have to pick up where she dropped her own responsibilities. Eventually, she did go away to college, and there, met my grandfather. Their relationship was taboo, even in the accepting mountains we live. It was the early 70s, she was a white girl going to college, he was a black man working in the town. Her family wasn't exactly pleased by the development, but she married him and got pregnant anyway.
My mother was born in 1973, the year of Roe V Wade, when abortion was legalized. My grandmother once told my mother that she wished she'd had an abortion.
My mother then grew up as a 'latch-key-kid'. Her parent's lives were full of hardship, and it trickled down to her. My grandparents had a lot of fights, and my grandmother ultimately decided her career and her paycheck was the most important thing to her. In her eyes, money is what gave her value. And why shouldn't she believe that? It's what her mother taught her, even if that wasn't what she meant.
And so another generation is raised by a traumatized woman. My mother and her brother were left to their own devices, like so many kids in the 70s and 80s, and because there was no parents at home, there was nobody to teach them to choose right and shun wrong. My grandmother was busy making money, even though she worked in factories and gas station most of my life, and felt that was more fulfilling than being a mother. She didn't even make a lot of money, and at the end of her life, all their savings were spent on doctor's bills, so she never even really got to enjoy the money she spent her life chasing.
So my mother had no foundation to build on. She was a wild youth, not in the same way as her own mother, but she ran with what few lessons her own mother taught her; your value is in money, never in your family, never in your children, never in your husband, and certainly never in God. You're worth more the more money you make. Being a woman was a weakness that had to be overcome; there was no intrinsic value in the feminine, there was nothing important about the ability to carry children, and certainly you were lesser if you chose to stay home with children, serve a husband, and refuse to 'contribute to society' through a paycheck.
My mother met my dad fairly young, and in spite of the traumatic family life, decided to marry him anyway. And then I came along. Another generation of girls to teach. But what did my mom know about raising kids? All she heard was 'children are a burden, don't have too many', just like her mother before her heard 'family is a burden, make sure you have enough money'. Generations had learned that being a stay at home mother and raising children made you less than a man.
My mom struggled a lot when my sister and I were young. She had no clue what she was doing, but she dedicated her life to making sure we always felt wanted and loved. She wasn't a perfect parent, but she sure gave it her all. Many times, we would argue because she smothered us too much, but in her zeal to make sure we weren't left alone, she had nothing else to reference by except her own mother's unintentional emotional neglect. But she powered through, raised us as best as she could, and had to deal with a lot of guilt and emotional manipulation from her mother in the process.
Now my sister and I both have children. We both have a foundation that my mother, my grandmother, and even my great-grandmother never had. We know that our value isn't tied to money, and we both see our children as blessings to be cherished.
My mother could have easily slipped into the same Generational Curse as her own mother. She nearly did. She was well on her way to becoming a doctor, until she realized that her own children barely knew her because she spent so many hours working in school.
My mother broke a curse that had gripped our family for 3 Generations. It caused irreparable harm to many people as it raged through us. My mother not only decided money wasn't her only value, she left the work force to homeschool us. She broke the fear of depending on a man, and fully depended on my father. She prayed for us, raised us to the best of her ability, and even still, is a massive part of our lives.
When my great-grandmother died, my grandmother was conflicted at best, but I don't remember her being that sad. When my grandmother died, my mother was by her side, but has been conflicted ever since. When my mother dies, there will be a lot of tears.
Breaking The Curse
Have you ever heard the phrase 'hurt people hurt people'? That is a Generational Curse.
There's no voodoo involved here. My mother didn't have to chant some magic words to bring our good luck back. She had to break a cycle of pain and insecurity. She had to work very hard to not bring that mindset to her own children. And it's something she still has to battle to this day.
A Generational Curse isn't some creepy magical thing. It's trauma. It's nurture, or a lack thereof. It's one person, somewhere along the line, deciding either to break the cycle, or inadvertently perpetuate it.
These Curses are the hardest to break. Children who were yelled at constantly as a child tend to yell at their own children. Girls who hear their mothers talk disparagingly about their own bodies in turn see themselves as too fat, too thin, or imperfect somehow. Children who were born to teenage mothers very often become teenage parents themselves.
It's not a conscious thing. It's not like children watch their parents and think 'hmm, I'd like to grow up and be a smoker, just like dad'. It's normal for them, and so they create pathways in their brain that they fall back on. If mom yells at dad when she's stressed out, children see that as normal, and so that becomes their stress relief when they're older, or they get into a relationship where verbal abuse towards them is seen as deserved and normal.
But just because you're raised imperfectly, just because a cycle of abuse, trauma, insecurity, or neglect has raged through your family, that doesn't mean it has to grip you as well. Once you're aware of the Generational Curse, you can be the one to break it.
In fact, it's very important that we as humans can reflect on how we were raised, good or bad. Our own parents are imperfect beings, and no matter how fond we are of them, there was always a chink in their armor that led to less-than-ideal parenting.
Healing from Generations of Hurt
If you're realizing this explains some things in your life, don't be discouraged. Understanding what's happening is half the battle. When God told the Children of Israel he would curse the third and fourth generation of those that disobeyed him, he was not being cruel and punishing children for the sins of their fathers. He, in his wisdom, understood that children often perpetuate their parent's habits. It's natural, it's normal, it's how we were designed.
He also promised to show mercy to the thousands that love him, and keep his commands. This also doesn't mean that you being a good person will guarantee that your great-great-great-grandchildren will never see hardship. We are each fully responsible for our own salvation.
He was telling us that how we act, how we treat others, how we raise our children is so very important. He was warning us not to be the ones to start a Generational Curse by living in sin. Whatever sin we have will trickle into our children's eager minds, they will soak it up, and they will take it even further.
But equally, if we live righteously, if we obey the Father, then they will see that too. They will have a foundation, so when the hardships of life batter them, they can stand firm in their faith.
It's not always a guarantee, nothing in life is. But there's a reason we have the saying 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree'.
There's a song by Sarah Groves called Generations. One line of the song says 'Generations will reap what I sow / I can pass on a curse or a blessing to those I will never know.' She understands how our actions today greatly effect the future of our lineage.
It takes work to break a Generational Curse. You might be fighting those demons for the rest of your life. But for every sin, bad habit, and curse you fight yourself, it's one less that your children will have to wrestle with. It takes prayer, it takes study, it takes understanding, and it takes diving into your scripture as often as you can. But out Father is good and merciful, and when we lean on him, anything is possible.
You can never be perfect. But we can all lay our sins and shortcomings at the foot of the cross, and fight for the future of our children.
The future of the world begins in you today.
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